


Dr Sandra Barnes

by BillieJ



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-20
Updated: 2014-06-12
Packaged: 2018-01-19 09:12:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1463818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BillieJ/pseuds/BillieJ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometime after 4x12, a woman storms in the Gallagher household, looking for Monica. As it turns out, she'd be good help for the Gallagher family, especially the black and redhead ones.</p><p>"- You know, I'm sorry she put you through all that shit.<br/>Dr. Barnes shook her head.<br/>- Not your fault at all. Don't worry.<br/>- Nah, I mean, you don't have anywhere to go right ?<br/>She bit her bottom lip, keeping calm. She finally nodded again.<br/>- Hey, I have a proposition for you then, if that's okay with you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What the hell did she do ?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello !  
> So, the season 4 final absolutly CRUSHED me, as it did for all of you. So, since I'm done grieving, I started to write this thing down, starting a multi-chapter fic so I would bear this horribly long hiatus !
> 
> Enjoy !

In front of the Gallagher's house, in an early hour of the morning, as the ice wind froze every miserable soul still wandering in the South Side Chicago streets, a cab stopped abruptly.

A woman got out, handing some bills to a lazy, apparently Indian, taxi driver and sighed. She looked up and around, trying to warm herself in the freezing cold. Suddenly, though she barely made it to the sidewalk, the door banged open and a redhead girl got down the stairs.

\- Is this the Gallagher household ?

She stopped for half a second.

\- Social worker ? Lip's there, knock at the door, don't have time, sorry, good day !

She rushed to a pizza delivering car and never looked back, smiling widely to the driver.

The woman just shook her head. She walked to the open door and knocked on it. A young man, fluffy hair and puffy eyes greeted her.

\- Hello ! You're here for the visit...? I thought the other lady said...

She frowned, obviously not understanding what he was talking about, and his stare immediately got suspicious.

\- My name is Dr Sandra Barnes. I'm looking for Monica Gallagher and I was told she might be here.

The puffy eyes opened wider and stared at her.

\- Well, no she isn't. What'd'you want her for ?

Dr Barnes winced and tightened her fists.

\- When is she going to be back ?

The young man shrugged and still looked at her suspiciously.

\- I don't know. Maybe never. Hopefully. What's she wanted for ?

\- Where do you think I can find her ?! said the doctor with obvious rage in her voice.

\- I don't know !

She stormed in, ignoring the young man's whimpers and protestations and found herself in a messy yet welcoming living room. No traces of Monica.

\- MONICA ! MONICA GET THE FUCK OUT !

\- Hey ! Hey ! I told you she isn't here !

A child scream made her jump and the young man muttered a quick " _shit_ " while going upstairs.

She tried to breath calm and sat on the couch uninvited. She put her head in her hands, sighing in disbelief and panic. Monica could be really _anywhere_ and that wasn't good news for her.

She quickly got up when she heard the thumping noises from the man going downstairs.

\- Nah, please sit down, he's up anyway.

She slowly obeyed, fighting the angry tears coming up her eyes.

\- Dr Barnes, right ? What did Monica do this time ?

She winced again and sighed.

\- I guess it's just Mrs. now. Monica was... a patient of mine.

\- Oh yeah ? What for ?

\- I'm a psychiatrist. I've been for two years. Guess not anymore.

The man sat down with the black toddler on his lap.

\- Are you Lip ? she asked.

\- Uhm, yeah. This is Liam.

\- You are Monica's children...?

He nodded.

\- She did mention all of you in therapy.

\- Has she run away from a psych ward or something ?

Dr Barnes shook her head.

\- She wasn't locked up. She came in therapy and... I thought we were doing a fine job getting her balanced but then, I was arrested by the police and threw off American Medical Association for selling illegal prescriptions and... having a relationship with a patient. My house is being ceased and my bank accounts are frozen. I'm basically homeless.

Lip's mouth gaped.

\- _Wow._ You banged Monica and she stole your prescription pads ?

She didn't bother to answer. Lip nodded slowly, setting Liam free to play in the house.

\- Are you going to prison ?

\- No. But in order to get my licence back, I need to turn Monica to the police. I'm still accused for that... relationship but I'll be allowed to work.

\- Then I'm really fucking sorry. Haven't seen her in years. No one has.

She sighed. They sat in silence.

Liam, though; was running around, screaming and laughing by himself, clapping his hand around after nothing.

\- How old is Liam ? she asked.

\- Three years old, replied Lip, following her stare.

\- Has he been checked up on lately ?

She was frowning, obviously noticing something wrong with him. Lip got up and motioned his hand to make her follow him.

\- He ODed a few weeks ago. Doctors said he'd may be okay.

She nodded.

\- Which psychomotrician is following his case ?

\- What ?

 - Psychomotrician, pedosychiatrist... for his mental recovery and development ? He's not going to be fine otherwise.

Lip stared at her in disbelief.

\- No one told us he'd need all that.

Surprised, she sat down at the old table in the kitchen and accepted the coffee he offered.

\- What do yo mean ? He's been admitted in the ER after his accident ?

\- Yeah, yeah. Well they got him on his feet and here we are back home.

She kept silent and sipped her coffee. She could see why her colleagues spared themselves the trouble to explain the in and out of an infantile OD to a family who had obviously no steady income nor health insurance. She had seen Monica, lightly heard about this seven member family lost somewhere in one of the worst neighborhoods in the US. Still, it felt wrong to see such a little person suffer from her own colleagues negligence.

\- You know, I'm sorry she put you through all that shit.

Dr. Barnes shook her head.

\- Not your fault at all, Lip. Don't worry.

\- Nah, I mean, you don't have anywhere to go right ?

She bit her bottom lip, keeping calm. She finally nodded again.

\- Hey, I have a proposition for you then, if that's okay with you.

 

* * *

 

Mickey got out of the shower, his wet towel in his hand, drying his wet hair to prevent the cold that he'd get if he went out like that.

He opened the door of his room, hoping for a miracle but Ian was still, his head wet.

\- Hey, you awake ? he muttered, sitting on the edge of the bed.

No response. Mickey sighed slowly and stared absently at one of the many posters on his wall.

Suddenly, he felt the sheets moving and when he looked at Ian he saw he turned his face to him.

Mickey immediately got closer, trying to hear if Ian muttered anything.

\- _Why..._

His voice was broken.

\- Hey, you wanna drink something ? Sounds like you need it.

Ian looked down his pillow and didn't respond. He fidgeted slightly and looked up again lazily.

\- _Why are you still here_ ?

Mickey didn't want to sound or look like it but that was hurtful.

\- Ay, I ain't goin' anywhere. Just suck it up.

Silence fell on the room again. 

\- You look like you're cold. I know you don't give a shit right now but but ya have to get dressed. You'll go to bed after that if you want.

\- _Go away._

Ian turned again, his face in the pillow. Mickey sighed.

\- Alright. I'll just add a cover.

He grabbed a thin duvet lying in the end of the bed and covered Ian, who was still not moving. He took the wet towel and went out of the room, leaving the door slightly opened.

He went in the kitchen, heartbroken, not really in the mood to eat anything but someone had to keep living, right ? He was so deeply glued in his thoughts that he didn't even hear Svetlana coming behind him while he poured himself coffee in a suspiciously dirty mug. 

\- Fuck ! he shouted, jumping and pouring hot coffee on his hand. The fuck do you want !?

She stared at him, Yevgeny smiling in her arms.

\- He smile, she said.

Startled, he looked at the baby.

\- Yeah ? he muttered.

\- First time smile today. He's pretty baby.

Mickey didn't respond, going back to his coffee.

\- Orange boy still not smiling ?

Mickey clenched he jaw and took the mug to sit on the dining table. He shook his head slightly.

\- Sorry he's sick.

\- He'll be fuckin' fine, keep your sorrys to yourself !

She sat with him.

\- Don't shout with baby here. It's not baby fault if orange boy is miserable !

\- Will you please shut your mouth about him ? Just fuckin' leave it.

If his voice sounded pleading and tired on the edges, he didn't do it on purpose. As if she hadn't heard a thing, she kept going.

\- The sister said he need meds and hospital.

\- Yeah well she doesn't know shit.

\- He sleep all day all night and forever. He will die without water.

\- Ay, what d'you take me for, I give him fucking water !

They kept silent. Mickey sipped his coffee.

\- Ask orange boy family to help find a hospital.

\- He is NOT going anywhere ! Shut the fuck up ! he almost yelled, looking up to her. 

Mickey froze though. He didn't expect _that_ look on Svetlana. She really looked concerned, somehow.

\- He isn't, he said with a trembling voice, warming his hand on the mug. He stays with me, I'm taking care of him.

She slowly nodded, balancing Yevgeny in her arms.

\- Okay no hospitals. Meds ?

\- I... I'll search for what he needs and steal it. There. Easy.

She probably thought it was stupid to give him random drugs to perk him up but she didn't say anything. What choice did they have ?

But when he was going to voice his hesitations (or maybe not), a loud knocking noise made them jerk their heads up.

Mickey got up and went to the door. He opened on Lip and Liam, and a woman behind him. She was a bit shorter than him, not fat but not really slim either. She had long brown hair attached in her back and she was a bit brown, maybe Latino, Indian or Arab typed. He couldn't say. He had never seen her around.

\- Hey, said Lip. Can we come in ? Got some things for Ian.

Mickey just opened the door wider and let them in. They went for the couch and sat.

\- What d'you want ? asked Mickey, sitting down.

\- Has Ian woken up at all ?

Mickey shook his head.

\- I... made him shower. Think he wanted to fight back but...

Lip quickly nodded. Ian was way to low to keep up with any passion, fight or whatever emotion.

\- This is uhm... Dr Sandra Barnes. Came to my home this morning looking for Monica.

Mickey's eyebrows shot up. He looked at the woman.

\- Aren't you too fucking young to be a doctor ?

\- I'm 28.

\- Whatever.

\- She has some trouble because of Monica and now she'll stay at home, to help Liam recover from his OD. She's a psychiatrist.

Mickey froze. Lip quickly nodded, as if he was asking him to keep cool.

\- Yeah, yeah. So I told her a bit about Ian. She wants to take a look at him. Free of charge.

\- Oh yeah ? Then fucking what ?

\- You're a bit protective, aren't you ? said Dr Barnes.

\- Got a problem with that ?! said Mickey, standing up.

\- Hey, man, chill. She has had her licence taken away, she can't send him to any hospital anyway. But she's still a doctor so...

Mickey sat back down never leaving the woman out of his sight. He stared at her a few more seconds and nodded. 

\- How long has Ian been like that ? she asked, gently.

Mickey lowered his eyes.

\- It's been a whole week today. 

\- Does he speak ?

\- He asks people to go away.

She nodded and grabbed her purse, taking a note pad and a pen. She scribbled down some things.

\- How old is Ian ?

\- 18.

\- Lip told me he had an odd behavior before this depression.

\- Yeah. Thought his was using or some shit, always up at 4 going for jogs, dancing all night. Scribbling shit in his fucking notebook.

\- Did he ? Can I see it later if that's okay ?

Mickey nodded.

She wrote down everything they said.

\- I'm going to school now, said Lip. Here's the key to the place, he said to the doctor, handing her the spare one. Do you remember the way back ?

She nodded with a thankful smile. Lip got up, grabbed his backpack and Liam's hand.

\- l'll leave you with Mickey. See you tonight, probably.

\- Bye bye Mickey ! said Liam.

He didn't respond, just looked at them leaving the house. He was left alone with the shrink, Svetlana and the baby out of sight.

\- I would like to check on Ian a moment before we go back to the questions.

\- He was awake earlier, dunno if he's asleep by now.

\- Then let's find out.

They both stood up and Mickey led the way to his bedroom. He pushed the opened door and saw Ian in the exact same position he left him fifteen minutes ago.

\- Ian ? You awake ?

No response. Sandra walked a few steps to reach the bed.

\- Ian Gallagher ? she asked with a gentle but strong voice. I'm Dr Sandra Barnes. How are you ?

\- _Go away_.

Mickey fidgeted, still up next to the door. The doctor nodded.

\- I understand you feel bad these days. It's okay, it won't last.

Ian fidgeted slowly, grabbing the sheets. 

\- I know you hear everybody talking and you can't say anything. I know you are trapped in an awful place. It will be okay. You'll be fine.

Ian just kept still. Dr Barnes got up and walked towards Mickey. He glanced at Ian again and closed the door. Dr Barnes had already made her way to the living room and wrote down some more things in her pad.

Mickey sat down.

\- That true ? What you said to him ?

\- Yes, of course. 

He bit his lip, letting her finish whatever she was scribbling about Ian.

\- He was indeed clean. He didn't get up to shower by himself if I understand ?

Mickey shook his head.

\- I got him up and cleaned him. Looked like I was torturing him or some shit.

\- It's okay. 

\- Yeah ? doesn't fucking look like it ! he shouted.

Mickey couldn't hold back his anger and fear. The shrink just put down her pad and looked at him gently, but her eyes were straight and serious.

\- Bipolarity is manageable. It's a lot of pain for the loving ones, you may have trouble to understand everything that is happening to him because it doesn't make sense but it will be fine. However- she said, taking off her glasses - it's true that this level of depression is extremely dangerous. If it was another patient I would probably have him hospitalized to keep him safe for a few day with the correct medication but I think it will be okay. We need to secure the place and get him... this.

He handed him a list of medication.

\- The fuck are these ?

\- Lithium, lamotrigine and valproate. These are mood stabilizers.

\- Why not some antidepressant or some shit ? Like Zoloft, every depressed fucker takes Zoloft.

\- Classic antidepressant are not given to bipolar patients. It's not a classic depression, it's more like an unbalanced mood. He can't control it and we can't cheer him up. It's all brain chemistry, he might have all the reason to be happy, but still. 

Mickey bit his lip again.

\- Then what ?

\- If he takes this medication he'll probably be back to something close to his old self in a few days. However, the prescription is an art, we probably will have to change the dosage so he can be as good as possible. After that, I will have him everyday for therapy and I'm thinking family therapy as well...

\- Yeah, good luck with that, Gallaghers don't do therapy.

\- Family therapy isn't just for family. I'm obviously not expecting Monica or Franck there but you hopefully. You'll need to be here as all the people Ian is very close to in his life.

Mickey nodded.

\- Whatever the fuck it takes.

Sandra nodded as well and stood up again.

\- I would like to check on the house and secure it. 

\- Ay, who d'you take me for, I put all the guns and knives away already !

She smiled at him and just went for the kitchen.

 

* * *

 

Fiona ran to the third table, her arms charged with heavy plates. She put on her best smile and greeted the customers. She turned around, glad she didn't drop anything, suppressing a loud and deep sigh and turned all cheerful to take order on the fourth table. Lip was smirking at her and she immediately got her annoyed and amused expression she always has because of him.

\- Hello baby !

\- Fififififi !

Fiona hugged back Liam who came to greet her. 

\- Hey, any chance we can grab some breakfast ?

\- What happened ? To much studying ?

\- Not exactly. A shrink came this morning at the place, yelling around looking for Monica, said Lip with his lazy Chicagoan accent. She couldn't find her and she has nowhere to go because of something Monica did.

\- Oh. I'm surprised we haven't heard of something like that for  _that_ long, she said, unimpressed. Big problems ?

\- Nah, Monica stole the prescription pads. Also banged that shrink. She's been arrested, her license taken away. No house, no money. She has to turn Monica to the police.

Fiona winced. 

\- I told her to stay at our place. She noticed some shit about Liam, and I hadn't told her about him yet. I dropped her at Mickey's after that.

Fiona nodded, caressing Liam's head with an awful guilty feeling.

\- Lip, she's going to have to pay for the expenses at home, we can't afford a North Side doctor to feed...

\- Yeah, told her that. She said she'd figure something out.

Fiona made Liam sit and stood up with her pad and pen in her hand.

\- So what will you take ?

\- Some eggs and bacon. Waffles for Liam, huh, how does that sound ?

\- Good good ! Whip cream !

\- Of course, smiled Lip.

Fiona smiled widely and wrote all down. Her smiled faded slightly.

\- So she's really going to treat Liam and Ian ? Mickey let her in ?

\- I guess. Pretty fast even. Seemed like he's down too. Though, he showered him this morning.

\- Really ? Like, classic Frank style ?

Lip shook his head and laughed in disbelief.

\- No, actually struggle to wash him and get him back to bed. You know like in Mickey Milkovich is _taking care_ of someone.

Fiona sighed. 

\- At least he is. Taking care of him, I mean. 

Lip shrugged. Fiona turned on her heels and smiled.

\- I'll go get you that, later babies !

Lip smirked and Liam laughed. It was a pretty good morning.

 


	2. Rising

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey, going out of his dark room looks directly at you.  
> "What, I have whores, a baby, a sister and a fucking boyfriend to take care of, and I read the last chapter, what's y'r damn excuse ?!" he says, storming out to the living room.
> 
> Mickey accepted the help of the shrink Lip brought to his home, now, was any of the shit she said really gonna work ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah yeah, I know, I'm a horribly slow writer, but hey, since English isn't my first language, I kinda need time to make my story fine :D I hope you enjoy !

Mickey closed the door and sighed. The day hadn't been long, in fact he only spent three hours at the Alibi. The Russian girls were the laziest asses he had ever seen in his life, but at least, they feared him enough to obey. Most of the time.

Once he calmed down a little bit, he moved into the living room. If none of his brothers were home, it should be only him, Mandy, Ian still in bed and the baby.

Immediately though, a bruised yet smiling Mandy came to him.

\- Hey Mick.

Mickey's heart raced at the sight of her expression.

\- What happened ?

\- He's up. Well he's just sitting and he hasn't say anything but he... well he's here.

Mickey had barely heard the whole sentence that he walked through the hallway in hurry and stopped in front of the closed door of his bedroom.

He was a little bit afraid. A lot, even, if he admitted the whole truth. Ian had spend nearly two weeks in bed. He had stolen and bought the drugs the shrink told him to, and everyday he carefully counted the pills and give them to Ian. Sometime he would just swallow it without any word or expression, and sometime he would curl on himself, grunting and whining, diving inside the sheets to hide from him.

What if the medication had made him turn into someone different ? Or a zombie ? Mickey knew that kind of prescription drugs could really fuck one up. What if it had erased _his_ Ian ?

His hand trembling slightly, he opened the door slowly.

Indeed, Ian was sitting. He glanced at him and then returned to his imperturbable staring of the dirty window.

Mickey remembered some weeks ago when he went to the Gallaghers and up to Ian’s room he had glanced at him as well, and then avoided his eyes. Back then, he obviously was still kind of mad and unsure, he refused to be the one still going after him and did it in order to prevent himself from getting too attached.

What was it now ?

\- Hey... Heard you feeling a bit better, said Mickey.

Ian kept his eyes on the window but he nodded slightly and that alone made Mickey have a sigh of relief so deep that he felt like his chest was a ton lighter.

He walked to the bed and sat on his side, smiling at Ian.

He still looked very pale, his blue-ish eye-circles and his chapped dry lips making him look tired and sick.

\- You got me a shrink.

Mickey tensed up. It was the first sentence Ian had said in a long time an his voice had no feelings in it, he was merely stating a fact.

\- Yeah.

No point in looking for excuses.

\- Lip brought her actually. But I let her in.

Ian nodded. Mickey closed himself from him and reached for Ian’s thigh. Ian grunted a little bit.

\- Sorry, he said.

Mickey bit his lip.

\- You ain't got nothing to be sorry for.

\- Still.

Mickey shook his head. Ian’s voice was kind of destroyed.

\- Ay, you want water ?

Ian nodded slowly.

Mickey nodded back getting up.

\- I’ll be right back.

He stood and watched Ian a few more second. He went by the door, increasing his pace when he got out of the room, only to grab a glass of water as fast as he could and bring it back to his room.

Ian hadn’t moved a bit and Mickey felt relieved somehow. He rushed with the fear to come back to see Ian crawling under the sheets again.

\- Here, man.

Ian looked over him and glanced at the glass.

He looked so pale and tired Mickey felt his heart fluttering. When Ian’s trembling hand slowly came to grab the glass, Mickey handing it further.

\- Wait, lemme help.

He took the glass with Ian and kept it steady while Ian took long swigs of it, eyes closed.

When he finished it, Mickey just put it on the floor and brought a hand to wipe a drop from Ian’s chin.

Mickey bit his lip and continued caressing Ian’s cheek.

\- Okay if I call your family and the shrink to tell them you’re up ? They don’t have to come if ya don’t want.

Ian leant his head into Mickey’s small tattooed hand and nodded. Mickey reached for his cell phone with his free hand.

\- I’m gonna call Fiona. D’you want her here ?

Ian didn’t open his eyes, but he leant more so that Mickey’s hand cupped his cheek completely.

\- K.

Mickey didn’t take his hand back, watching Ian while listening the tone.

\- Hey, ugh, it’s Mickey… yeah, yeah, he’s fine actually, he’s sitting here… Okay. I’ll call the shrink then, you sure she’s back at y’r place ? Yeah, yeah, fine

He hanged up and rubbed his thumb on Ian’s cheek.

\- Your sister’s still at work, she’ll come as soon as she’s finished.

Ian nodded slowly,humming near Mickey’s palm. Mickey smiled a little.

\- I hav’ta call your shrink.

\- Yeah, ok.

Mickey’s smile flattered as he dialed the number.

 

* * *

 

 

Sandra was wandering around the boys’ bedroom when her phone rang. Her eyes widened and she reached for her pocket as fast as she could. When she saw the number, her excitement flattered but she hit the answer touch anyway, despite her disappointment.

\- Barnes.

\- Ay, it’s Mickey.

\- Yes, I know. Is everything okay ?

\- Uhm, yeah. Ian’s up, he’s sitting. Thought you should know that.

Sandra smiled for herself.

\- It’s great ! I’ll be right here.

Mickey didn’t answer anything before he hung up on her but she didn’t mind.

She flipped her notepad out of her pocket and finished to write her observations about Ian’s space.

 

* * *

 

Svetlana was sitting on the couch. She heard the muffled voices in Mickey’s bedroom and she covered them with her own voice, reciting bits of lullabies she heard when she was little, but couldn’t figure out the words right.

Not that it really mattered. It was Russian, and the girls didn’t know the lyrics either.

Yevgeny was a quiet child anyway. Sometimes, it was almost like he knew his mother was dealing with enough goddamn trouble right now to handle a difficult child over it. Truth was, she was panicked. She didn’t have any clue what she was doing. Actually, she had hoped until the last minute that some miraculous knowledge about what she was supposed to with his education would hit her head as soon as he’d popped out of her.

Despite her prayers, she has been terrified even more when she held him in her arms. That baby had an awful start in life already. Of course, Svetlana wasn’t a drug addict or anything but she was still a prostitute and her father was a faggot piece of shit with no sense of responsibility whatsoever.

If Mickey could look at him and turn away, she couldn’t. She’d love the shit out of this baby, she felt it grow and kick for months inside her and now, he curled his little fingers around hers when she feeded him , as if he was begging her to not leave him.

If she had to be honest, Mickey had seemed to finally understand that the baby had even less choice than him, but right when he finally landed and settled his eyes on little Yevgeny, Ian had crashed down.

Someone knocked quietly at the door. Svetlana ‘s eybrows shot up. Who the hell was so gentle to knock this  way on the Milkovich’s door, of all people ?

She went to the door .

\- Yes ?

A woman was standing here, a gentle smile on her face.

\- Hello, I’m Dr. Barnes, I’m here to see Ian Gallagher ?

She stared at her for a few seconds before Yevgeny starts stirring in her arms and she jumped out of her stare.

\- Yes, she mumbled. Come in.

The so-called doctor smiled and nodded before she came inside. Svetlana led her to Mickey’s bedroom. They arrived at the opened door, and Mickey stood up immediately.

\- Orange boy doctor is here, she said, letting the woman come inside.

\- Hello, Mickey, Ian.

Mickey only briefly nodded before his gaze went back to Ian.

\- Hello doc, muttered Ian.

\- How are you today ?

\- I feel like shit.

The doctor nodded.

\- Do you know how long you stayed in bed ?

Ian stared at Mickey with an expressionless face. Finally he sighed, reaching for his hair.

\- I don’t really know. Two days… or… or four maybe ? he added, when he saw Mickey stern face.

\- It was 12 days today. It’s okay if you don’t remember, nobody has control over memory loss. You started taking the medication I prescribed four days ago, do you notice some undesirable effects yet ?

Ian shrugged slowly. The doctor nodded.

\- We’ll keep exactly these doses. I explained Mickey how you had to take them and he’s doing a fine job. For today, I know you are still tired and a bit numb, but you should try walking for a little bit. It doesn’t have to be outside. Is it okay ?

Svetlana knew the kind words weren’t for her. Still, the weight and the warmth of her baby against her chest and the gentle and steady voice of the doctor left her with a fluttering warmth inside.

By the time Ian had nodded, she had bolted to her room.

* * *

 

Lip adjusted Liam on his hip and felt his phone vibrate on the pocket on Liam’s side. He sighed,  switched his place and struggled to take his phone out of his tight jeans.

<Fiona> _Ian woke up Mickey takin care wt shrink and she goes again this evening with us. still @ work go by when u can_

Lip smiled.

\- Ian is better, Liam.

\- Eeen, Yan !

\- Yup. Come on baby, let’s go get some food for everybody.

 

* * *

 

Mickey didn’t leave Ian’s side. Fuck the world if he seemed clingy or some shit, he just didn’t. And now, Ian was letting him stay, his head on Mickey’s shoulder, eyes still on the window.

That was odd, Mickey knew. Ian was usually the chatty one, and he found funny or sarcastic replies to keep him talking. Now that Ian couldn’t quite speak, Mickey didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Talking first about anything or stay in this silence. He decided to try the first one, see what happens.

\- The baby smiled.

_What the hell_ , he thought to himself. He could’ve said a million things, instead, he picked one of the most awkward and difficult topic in their lives.

\- Did he ? croaked Ian.

Mickey sighed in relief.

\- Yeah. Definitely has a resemblance to my ugly face.

\- He’s beautiful then.

Mickey smiled a little, knowing Ian wasn’t really complimenting the baby.

\- He’s quiet too, mumbled Ian.

\- Yeah. Smart even as a shit-maker, it seems.

Ian’s face twitched, from what Mickey saw. He wasn’t laughing or smiling, but some amusement had made his features move. Mickey couldn’t describe what was happening within him. It was like he just slowly breathing again.

\- Your sibling are coming later.

Ian nodded.

\- Have they… seen me ? Debs and Carl.

Mickey fidgeted in nervosity.

\- Yeah. Couldn’t find anyone else and you wouldn’t…

Ian Interrupted him by taking his hand.

\- S’fine.

Mickey nodded.

\- Shrink says I gotta get up.

\- Ay, you ain’t have to now, just take your time.

\- Wanna see Yevgeny’s smile.

Mickey froze for a second and nodded.

\- Ya, a’right.

He got up and went to face Ian. He didn’t ask him if he needed any help whatsoever. He just stood there, available.

Ian must have felt awfully sore straightening up. He winced and muttered profanities. He put his two freckled pale feet on the floor, and looked up at Mickey.

Mickey didn’t want to be too emotional about some dumb shit like this, but he was. He blinked several time and cuffed the tears away, offering Ian a smile.

Ian stared at him and sighed at his feet. He helped himself and stood in front of Mickey, watching him from above for the first time in almost two weeks.

Mickey grabbed some clothes around the bed and handed them gently to Ian.

He took them slowly, got dressed with Mickey’s help. He finally stood in front of him, a light smile on his face, but a hollow look in his eyes.

He grabbed Mickey’s shoulder, who gulped, and leant for a hug, which was given to him.

\- I’m sorry.

\- Told you, y’got nothing to be sorry for, replied Mickey’s muffled voice.

\- I know I should be happy, and even I don’t get why I’m… not.

\- S’okay.

Ian pulled away. He leant for a kiss, and Mickey gently rubbed Ian’s cheek with his thumb.

\- Let’s go see him.

Mickey nodded, turning and letting Ian lean on him, and went to the door.

In the living room, Svetlana was watching TV, muttering things under her breath while watching some talk show.

She had Yevgeny pressed against her chest, and when she looked up, she blinked, surprised.

\- Ay, you got the… baby ?

Ian and Mickey had made their way to three quarters of the living room.

\- Orange boy is up.

\- No shit ?

Mickey didn’t seem too irritated, in spite of the ironic tone he had. He looked worriedly at a trembling Ian, helping him making his way to the couch. He sat him down, next to Svetlana and he stared at the baby.

Svetlana frowned and looked up to Mickey. He signed at the baby and Ian with his eyes and when she understood, her lips formed a thin line. She turned her head to Ian.

\- You want to take baby ?

Ian looked up at her, expressionless.

\- You’re not going to bash me with a claw hammer ?

Mickey winced, obviously still angry about Svetlana former violence towards Ian.

\- If you hurt baby, I bash.

Her tone was gentle, and she slowly handed the baby to Ian.

Mickey and Svetlana stayed still, watching Ian take Yevgeny in his tired muscled arms. He gently stroked the tip of the baby’s nose, and Yev smiled widely, grabbing Ian’s long pale finger and showing his gums.

Mickey was biting his lip hard, not feeling anything, his whole attention concentrated towards Ian and Yevgeny. He winced and put his hand on Ian’s shoulder when he saw a tear making its way through his pale cheek, then sighed in relief when Ian smiled gently, looking up at him.


	3. Surviving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fiona, waiting tables having to deal with rude customers, look directly at you with an irritated expression.  
> "Gotta raise my family, get my shit back together and working nights in this shithole but even I read the last chapter, where the hell have you been ?!"
> 
> Ian raised a little from his severe depression, and Mickey, Svetlana and Yevgeny witnessed the first light of hope, but it's still a long way to go, surviving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, I tried to make it a bit quicker, and I had inspiration, so I hope you'll enjoy it !

* * *

 

Ian took a deep breath.

He tried to blink the sadness away, but no matter if his eyes were open or closed it was dark, deep and misery anyway.

His head was flowing with thoughts, but was awfully blank at the same time. He didn’t know where to look to be able to relax. He didn’t know why he was feeling like he was drowning when he was lying still in warm sheets.

_You don’t belong in these sheets. What are you even doing here, you’re just a waste of space !_

\- Hey, man…

Ian took another breath. He recognized Mickey’s voice. He knew his voice, he knew the way it sounded, but it seemed somehow faded. His favourite sound in the world.

_Why do you even bother to have fucking favorite things ? You don’t even feel ! There’s nothing within you, no feelings, no taste. You’re useless._

Why was it like that ? How long has he been here ?

\- Hey, are you feeling alright ?

He felt Mickey touch his hip slightly and his breathing stopped a little.

\- No, he choked.

He closed his eyes again, but then he felt like he was falling from a high altitude just behind his eyelids and he opened his eyes in panic. Mickey was in front of him, his wide blue eyes staring at him.

\- Ay d-don’t cry…

Ian frowned. Was he ? He probably was. He felt like it. Mickey was wiping his tears gently and Ian didn't stop looking at him.

\- S’just a bad day, ‘k ? Remember yesterday. You held the baby.

Ian couldn't remember. He felt like his breathing pace was increasing and Mickey suddenly took his face in his hand.

\- I can’t… I can’t remember I…

\- Hey, hey s’okay.

\- No…

Mickey bit his lip. He stood up and then sat on the bed, holding Ian’s hand.

\- C’mon man. Sit up. You’ll feel okay soon...

Ian looked up. Mickey was sitting beside him, the light from the dirty window making his pale face glow. He held Mickey’s hand back and turned in the sheets a little.

Mickey lent to help him and sat him up.

Ian didn't know what exactly he felt. It was bad. Different layers of awful that he couldn't quite decipher. If he was in the mood to blurt everything going on in his head, he wasn't sure sentences would even form. He’d probably yelp like a hurt animal.

\- Do you… need anything ?

Mickey’s voice made his soul shudder again. He felt like his head was so heavy it was sinking inside his chest, making his neck melt under its weight.

\- Talk.

\- What ?

Mickey’s eyes looked surprised. Ian couldn't speak anymore. He didn't want to. He didn't feel like anything at all. He felt so bad, even breathing seemed somehow foreign, let alone speaking. He just wanted his awful thoughts to stop, and his own voice in his head shut up. He felt ready to let the pain flow inside him, just giving up to it, but there was something in Mickey’s voice that made him feel otherwise. It was the only spark of wishing he had at that moment.

Mickey’s face had switched from surprised to wondering.

\- Want me to speak, huh ? Whatchu want, some serenade ?

Ian just listened to him. Mickey’s voice was cute. He added thick layers of swearing and lazy thuggy Chicagoan accent, but it was clear to Ian that he covered up a really cute voice.

\- Everything’s same old shit, man. Everyone’s fence smells like old Harry’s fucking dog’s piss. Thought I was gonna throw up earlier just getting the fucking mail. Piss smelling that gross means the dog’s sick right ? Could fuckin’ offer my help to off it. Free of charge, fuck. Just one morning without this fucking smell’d be like cloud damn ten...

Ian decided his observation about Mickey’s voice were true. He was talking about dog piss just after he promised a serenade, and Ian felt really good anyways.

\- ...am I right ? I think Svet hates it too, she heard it bark or some shit, and she just went for da fuckin hammer. Nuts.

 _Nuts... Nuts. Nuts. Nuts ? Nutnutnut ? Nunuts ? Aren’t you nut ? Ian the nutty nut ! You’re nuts, helicopter and brief stealer, tweaker and go-go whore ! Here’s for you, Ginger & Nuts, gentlemen !_  

Ian’s vision blurred a little bit, and his brain filled with the word while Mickey stopped speaking for a minute, only trying to sooth him with his hand..

\- But y’know, whatever.

His voice was something. It shook him out of anything.

Mickey stayed silent again, and Ian didn't stop staring at him. It was probably uncomfortable for Mickey but he didn't say anything anyway.

\- Your siblings and the shrink came by yesterday. The shrink wants us to form some family therapy group or some shit.

Ian sighed slightly at this. Mickey immediately looked up.

\- Y’don’t want it ?

Ian stared a few more second and raised his shoulders lightly.

\- What’s that mean ?

\- Why… why bother ?

Mickey had the most shocked expression Ian had ever seen on anybody ever.

\- What d’you mean why bother ?

\- Fucked for life anyway… right ?

Ian closed his eyes a few seconds. When he opened them his mind started spinning again. Mickey’s blue deep eyes were glassy and encircled in red.

Ian felt something.

His chest tingled and his Adam’s apple bobbed and he swallowed with difficulty. Pain it was. But it wasn't the excruciating drowning pain that compressed his whole body, keeping him from eating, standing up, or even speaking, it was some other kind of somehow freeing pain.

He was hurting for Mickey.

\- I’ll go. Fuck, Mick I’ll go, he mumbled.

Mickey looked right at him in the eyes after he heard him say those words.

\- But ya don’t think it’ll work ?

Ian shrugged again.

\- I’m going to those family shit too, Ian.

Ian felt way too numb to actually have a proper reaction. His mind started to spin, Mickey’s words crashed everywhere, from his ear to the insides of his brain, right to behind his eyelids and Mickey had had the time to settle himself in a another position while Ian was trying to get his shit back together and keep sitting instead of diving back into the sheets.

He breathed, and opened his eyes again.

\- Who else’s coming ?

Ian reciprocated the light pressure Mickey applied on his hand.

\- S’not for now, y’know. Shrink said she’ll have you alone first. But then it’s all your siblings even the black baby, someone’ll probably pass the note to fucking Franck but I guess he’ll just drop dead before we ever get there. Also Mandy, Kev and V.

Ian bit his lip and nodded slightly.

\- What about Svetlana ?

Mickey’s eyebrows shot up and he stared at Ian with a shocked look.

\- Whatchu mean Svetlana ?

\- And the baby. S’family.

Mickey’s hand paused and he nodded slowly after a few seconds.

\- Alright. ‘ll let her know.

Ian felt his chest going a bit lighter. He took another deep breath and nodded. The thick flowing of dark thoughts seemed to slow down a bit and he shifted in the sheets.

\- Mickey.

\- Yes ?

\- Where are my meds ?

Mickey looked at the bedside table, across the bed. Usually an empty beer bottle lied there but when he secured the house, he threw away any glass trash, only thinking about what Ian was capable of doing with shattered pieces of it.

\- You already took them earlier. S’kicking in isn't it? You feel better ?

Ian blinked. He couldn't remember. Truth was, he felt numb and really stupid, but for several minutes, his mind hadn't felt like hell. He nodded, and was rewarded by Mickey’s pleasant smile.

\- Show me, he mumbled.

Mickey flashed a worried look at him but he tried to ignore it. He was pretty okay, he just wanted to see what exactly was shoved down his throat without him remembering. Basic human right.

Mickey shifted his body, extending on top of Ian’s, stretching his short arm to grab the drawer.

Ian felt like smiling. Mickey was so gentle with him, but yet, he hadn't made a ridiculous long way to the drawer, for some stupid reason like giving him space or something.

Three orange bottles were tangled between the F, U, C and the thumb of Mickey’s hand. Ian watched them fly abruptly as Mickey returned to his former position.

\- There man.

Ian stretched his arm and grabbed one from Mickey’s hand.

\- Since when am I called “Hope A. Brazzoli”, female and born in 1976 ?

Mickey chuckled.

\- What, can’t I have a cougar fetish or some shit ?

Ian cuffed lightly and grabbed another tiny bottle.

\- Yeah, a mental cougar fetish.

Mickey’s smile faded right away.

\- The fuck did you say ?

\- I said, yeah, a men-...

\- I fuckin’ heard alright ? Shut the fuck up man.

Ian sighed. He took the other one, and shook it. The remaining pills made a loud sound in the quiet room.

\- Did you steal those from that woman ? asked Ian lightly.

Mickey froze but there was no accusation in Ian’s tone.

\- Pharmacy. She had a shit ton of those prescription. North Side, they’ll probably think they forgot to prepare it, for a while. When they’ll notice, they’ll find out the cameras are broken. Oops.

Ian nodded.

\- Did you see her ?

Mickey frowned.

\- No.

Ian nodded again. He made one of the pill bottles dance between his shaky fingers like he saw Dr. House do it on TV but it fell miserably on his lap.

\- Do you think people will call me Batty Ian, now ?

Mickey’s eyebrows shot so high on his forehead it almost hurt.

\- Not if they don’t wanna die, no.

Ian shook his head at him.

\- You’re not going to kill anyone who calls me names, Mickey.

\- Oh yeah ? Try me.

Ian blinked, and nodded. He didn't care, really. Actually, he felt so numb he wasn't sure he was actually feeling anything. If something, the fading pain was soothed by Mickey’s presence. His head doze again and he closed his eyes.

Mickey wiped another tear on his cheek.

\- Y’shouldn’t care, man, quietly said Mickey.

\- About what ?

Ian had genuinely no idea what Mickey was talking about.

\- People calling you names and shit like that.

\- What…?

Mickey frowned at him.

\- Why ask me that just now ?

\- Ask you what ?

\- About if people call you Batty Ian and shit. Y-you just asked me...

Ian took another deep breath, his surprised expression already plastered on his face before he could pretend he knew what Mickey was talking about. They stared at each other’s eyes for a few seconds.

Ian tried hard. What had happened since he woke up in the morning ? The pain, the drowning, and then Mickey, the morning sun rays, the meds. It was awfully blurry, even if it happened minutes ago. Like the whole day had gone by and his memory faded.

\- Fuck. Fuck.

\- Ian, s’alright man.

\- No, it’s not, I’m a nutcase.

Mickey’s grip on his hip tightened and he let a small growl escape his lips.

\- Look, those fucking drugs, it’s prescription shit alright ?!

Mickey took one bottle randomly and showed Ian.

\- It’s super strong shit, what if it messes memory up a bit ? Y’got a fuckin’ North Side shrink to make it okay. Shit takes time, man.

Ian looked at him, startled. They stared at each other again for a moment before Ian nodded.

\- I want to take a shower. A bit later. When I’m no more dizzy.

Another sun ray made it’s way up to Mickey’s face and with the happiness seeping out of Mickey’s smile, for a second, just a tiny little moment, just before it came back pressuring his chest, the pain had gone away.

* * *

 

Fiona grabbed the frying pan and as she put butter on it, Debbie went downstairs with Liam on her hip.

\- Hey guys !

Debbie smiled at her and helped Liam sitting on his high chair.

\- Sandra isn't here ? asked Debbie. Frank’s room has never been that tidy.

Fiona shrugged.

\- Is Carl up ?

\- What do you think ?

Fiona sighed while she put the slices of bread in the concoction before throwing them on the pan.

\- Caaaaarl !

She left the French toast cook while she packed up the two lunch packs on the counter.

\- Lip left early. I think he’s a bit nervous about leaving Liam.

Debbie grabbed the orange juice and four glasses without bumping into her sister.

\- Who’s going to watch him then, thought you were working ?

Fiona’s hand trembled on its way grabbing the spatula.

\- Sandra.

Debbie nodded and smiled while closing Liam’s baby cup.

\- Caaaaaaarl ! School day, breakfast !

\- Yeah, yeah, Jesus !

A tired Carl was making his way downstairs, rubbing his eyes.

\- French toast..

Carl’s eyes widened and he rushed to the table. Fiona and Debbie exchanged a look above the counter while chucking.

Fiona took the toast off the frying pan and made her way to the table to put them down the plates.

\- Where’s the shrink ? asked Carl but before anyone answered, the kitchen door opened, letting her in.

\- Oh, good morning !

She was carrying a large brown carton box she put on the floor before taking off her thick warm coat.

\- Good morning, smiled Fiona, a bit tensed. French toast, if you like.

\- Oh, of course ! Who can say no to that ?

She made her way to the empty seat next to Carl and offered him a smile he didn’t reciprocate.

\- What’s in the box ? he asked, before taking a mouthful of French toast.

\- Oh some stuff. I had to... borrow material.

Debbie chuckled.

\- You have only been here a week and you’re already stealing ?

Sandra grinned and shook her head.

\- It’s not stealing if I give it back, right ?

Fiona couldn't help but snort, and the woman gave her a bright smile.

The rest of the breakfast went on with giggles and animated discussions between Carl and Debbie, ending with a battle about who was going to have the last toast.

Dr Barnes was watching them with a sly smile that made Fiona slightly uncomfortable. She was shifting on her seat and checking on her watch.

\- Alright guys, out ! Lunches on the counter, hurry up !

They got up, kissing Liam on the head and putting on their coats and went away, leaving the kitchen silent.

The former doctor sipped on her coffee.

\- You don’t work early today ?

Fiona glared at her and shook her head.

\- NA meeting at ten, then shift starts at twelve. I’ll probably check on Ian first.

The doctor nodded. She finished her coffee, and Fiona immediately grabbed the pot.

\- Want some more ?

She nodded, letting Fiona refill.

\- I have the impression that you don’t like me at all, Fiona. I don’t mean to… overstay my welcome.

Fiona sighed.

\- Not you. Shrinks.

Sandra mouthed an ‘o’.

\- Gallagher’s don’t do therapy, right ?

Fiona frowned and her expression immediately became defensive. She sat down, helping Liam eat and then folded her arms on the table.

\- I don’t see the point at paying a so called doctor to be a crybaby for hours and listen to them explaining how we feel. Like they understand shit, going out of fancy schools and learning behavior in books.

She shot her a daring look. Sandra just smiled, amused.

\- Well, I get that point of view. I mean, your work is absolutely amazing and what you have to struggle with is just frightening. Look at me, I have had just like a glimpse of something vaguely like the things you deal with everyday and I almost lost my shit right ?

Fiona frowned. She didn’t expect that kind of answer.

\- But, hey, it doesn’t mean I can’t help. Liam is a great little guy, and I brought a lot of things to play and work with ! she finished with a wide smile and a baby voice.

Liam giggled and tapped on his table.

\- As for Ian… she added, her voice still gentle but straight, he’s in a dangerous mental state. Mickey texted me earlier, he was a bit down again this morning but he talks. When Debbie comes back from school later, she said she’d keep an eye on Liam, I want to start therapy with him today.

Fiona sipped on her coffee and nodded.

\- What do you honestly think ? About Ian.

\- What do you mean ?

\- Like… you treated Monica for a while, haven’t you ? What do you think ?

Sandra stayed silent. She eyed Fiona, until the point the ex-convict felt uncomfortable.

\- I don’t think anything, she finally said. Not yet.

Fiona nodded. She looked at the time on her cell and muttered a quick ‘ _shit_ ’.

\- Hey, I have to go if I want to visit Ian. You behave with the nice lady, huh baby ?

\- Yes, yes !

\- I’m going to see Ian, you give me a kiss for him ?

\- Een, Mickey !

\- Yeah… See you later my baby peanut !

Sandra smiled at Fiona as she grabbed her coat and nodded while she went out. Then she turned to Liam.

\- So, what do you feel like doing today Liam ?

* * *

 

Yevgeny was just down in his crib for his morning nap when someone knocked a bit too loudly at the door.

\- _Poi’met-der’mo-govno_ \- What ?!

She had slammed the door open, and was a little surprised to see a startled Fiona at the door.

\- Came to see Ian.

Svetlana calmed down immediately. She let her come in and put a finger on her lips.

\- I just put baby sleep. He need quiet now.

\- Yes, of course, smiled Fiona. I’ll be quiet.

Svetlana nodded and led her to the room, as if she needed it.

When they came close, they started to hear the voices inside.

\- … so what ? Not like old Harry’s got much to live anyway.

\- You want to kill him so the dog dies afterwards ? Wouldn't it be better to off the dog like you said before ?

Ian’s voice was a pleasure to hear, even if it was slow and cracking.

\- Yeah well, s’not the dog’s fault his master is a gross drunk pervert who couldn't fucking train and take care of his dog.

\- … you’re so nice.

\- Fuck off.

Fiona’s eyebrows shot up at Mickey’s gentle tone and she glared at Svetlana who shrugged and muttered _‘faggots’_ in her breath.

Fiona shook her head and knocked. The conversation inside immediately stopped.

\- Yeah ? said Mickey’s annoyed voice.

\- Hey, it’s Fiona, she said.

\- Yeah, yeah, come in.

She opened the door, finding the room a little bit more luminous than the last time she had come in and Ian sitting in bed, slightly smiling, Mickey facing him, their hands joined. She nodded at Mickey who was obviously tense and smiled widely at Ian.

\- Hey, how are you ?

Ian shrugged slowly.

\- Okay. I guess.

Fiona nodded quickly and watched Svetlana make her way to the living room, then approached the bed.

\- I’ll… be back ‘f ya w-

\- No ! said Ian, a bit to quick in the same time Fiona was shaking her head no.

Ian looked at Fiona and she smiled at him. She turned to Mickey.

\- Don’t.

A bit startled, Mickey sat back down and shut his gaped mouth. Fiona eyed them while taking off her coat and sitting on the other edge of the bed.

\- Liam sent you a big kiss, Ian, said Fiona, smiling. Hey you too, Mickey.

The thug snorted.

\- I kind of miss him. All of them.

\- Well, them too. We all visited of course.

Ian looked down, nodding slowly. Fiona frowned.

\- Didn’t know if you heard, Debbie is top of her class in Math and History, I have no idea how she managed to do that.

Ian nodded.

\- What about Carl ?

\- Was suspended, remember ? I think he’s only starting to give a shit. He’s going through some of your stuff, and I found ROTC pamphlets in his bag.

Ian looked up. He stared at her, expressionless, thought he blinked several times.

\- When ?

\- Found those like two days ago, answered Fiona.

Ian nodded.

They stayed silent a minute.

\- I left Liam with Sandra. The shrink. She’s going to… treat him.

Fiona made herself comfortable on the bed. Mickey looked at her.

\- Treat him for what ? he asked.

Fiona looked at Mickey, surprised. She looked down and bit her lip slightly.

\- OD recovery.

Mickey’s face showed no reaction whatsoever.

\- Not a bad idea. Fuckin’ public hospital only will make the little guy turn like my brothers.

Fiona looked at him, surprised. Then she blinked and shrugged.

\- Well, you and Mandy are fine.

Mickey scoffed.

\- Not like we’re fucking Einsteins.

\- Well you’re not retarded.

Mickey glared at her.

\- You’re really smart, Mickey, muttered Ian’s cracking voice.

Mickey replied nothing, looking at Ian’s blank expression, feeling his face flushing. He adverted his eyes to the wall to look away from Fiona.

She cuffed after a second.

\- Well, uhm, don’t know if she told you but the shrink told me she wants to begin therapy today.

Ian didn't react, but Mickey looked up at her.

\- Yeah ?

\- Well, she’ll probably text you later, since she’s having her first session with Liam right now, but after that, when Debbie comes home, she’ll come here.

They stayed silent for a moment, Mickey flicking his hair slightly on the side.

\- Good thing I want to shower, then, mumbled Ian.

Fiona smiled widely.

\- Yeah. It’s perfect baby bro. You’re doing perfect. I have to go now, I have a meeting, but I’ll be back as soon as I can, okay ?

Ian nodded.

\- Okay. Have a good shower, take care. Bye, Mickey.

Mickey nodded at her as well as she took her coat and went away. a few seconds later they heard the door slam gently.

* * *

 

Sandra adjusted her bag, and nodded at Debbie. The redhead gave her a slightly tense smile, and returned to the baby. Sandra sighed and walked out the door.

It was good she found herself patients. Her behavior, if she had to diagnose herself, was a bit destructive, clinging to her former occupation and life, even if it meant it was illegal. That’s what the books said, that’s what the 8 years training told her.

In the other hand, she wasn't in a normal environment. She had to struggle. Not that she told the Gallagher family, but she had lived in the streets for more than a week and it was terrible. Chicagoan winter was a devil’s den, and she had seen everyone of her so called friends just turn their backs to her.

There was no such thing as solidarity and sticking together in her former life. You’re in trouble with the law, you’re an outsider. You don’t even make amends, you’re a sick fuck-up. You’re a sick fuck-up outsider even though you have a medical degree, you can go fuck yourself. You looked for the problems, so I don't know you, and I don't want to do anything with you anymore.

Basic logic, she smiled.

By the time she finished moping, she had arrived to the Milkovich household and was welcomed by the present surprise of a weak and staring Ian on a large chair on the porch, Mickey smoking nervously next to him.

\- Hi, she said, coming up the front stairs.

Ian slowly looked up at her and Mickey acknowledge her presence, muttering a nervous ‘ _Ay_ ’.

\- Hi doc.

Sandra smiled. Ian didn't.

She turned to Mickey.

\- Have you thought about a neutral space where we can sit ?

\- Living room’s empty. Told everyone to fuck off for a while.

Ian looked up a him.

\- You did ? he said, his voice still cracking.

Mickey shrugged.

\- Alright, then, replied Sandra. Do you need help going there ?

Her voice was steady, not too professional, but not emotional, and far from remotely pitying. Ian stared at her for a few seconds.

\- Yes.

She nodded at him and walked towards him. The moment she got near him, Ian moved a little bit, going back against the wall.

\- Ay, man, you alright ? asked Mickey, fast next to him.

He blinked a few times and in front of them the shrink shot Ian a knowing look.

\- I won’t touch or approach you too close if you can’t stand it Ian. Mickey, I’m afraid he’ll only accept help from you right now.

Mickey didn't have to be told twice. He offered his shoulder for Ian to stand up and they walked the few steps to the messy living room.

When they sat down, Mickey looked at them both.

\- Alright, going to the Rub’n’Tug. Call me if anything.

\- Of course, Mickey.

He moved pretty slowly and shot Ian glances. Ian slightly nodded at him when he closed the door.

Sandra looked at the exchange without a word. She took her notepad and her pen out of her purse, and settled herself comfortably on the worn out chair.

Ian stared at her.

When a whole minute passed, without any of them saying anything, Ian fidgeted on the couch.

\- Is this therapy ? Thought we were supposed to speak about my feelings or something ?

Sandra shrugged.

\- Do you want to ?

\- No.

She nodded. Ian cuffed. He looked down and up a few more moments.

\- Aren't you going to write everything I say down there, he said, pointing lazily at the notepad.

\- Well, I could do that. I also use it to draw things and for grocery lists.

Ian stared at her.

\- So you don’t give a shit ?

\- I do.

\- Then how is this supposed to help ?

\- This is a secured private space. You can do anything, say anything or nothing, I’m here. I don’t lecture, I don’t judge. I’m not afraid, never disappointed. You want to sit and say nothing, fine. You want to yell, or cry, okay. You want to talk about vain stuff, perfect. It’s your time. Just be yourself.

Ian stayed silent, and went back staring at the TV.

For a few moments, they stayed like that, and then, Ian’s shoulders began to shake, and the unusually quiet living room started resonating with sobbing and whimpers.

Sandra took a handkerchief and carefully put it at a safe distance of Ian. He grabbed it, cheeks wet and crazy chest, and rose his green glassy eyes to the shrink.

\- Doctor, I...I feel awful.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how weird you'll find Ian's thoughts, but it's actually based on my experience of depression. I had trouble writing this chapter, making it make sense, and Ian is a very dear character to me so, I tried to make it right.  
> Hope you enjoyed !

**Author's Note:**

> So, english isn't my first language, does it show ?
> 
> Also I have a tumblr ( http://baronneletzen.tumblr.com/ ) ! Send me prompts :)


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